Note: Paramount owns Star Trek, Alan Decker owns Star Traks, and I own Star Traks: Next Frontier. My series has four words AND a colon. Beat that.

Star Traks: Next Frontier

“Help Wanted”

By Cory Parker

“Sure you can’t take me with you?” Lt. Bud Abbott sighed and threw another Hawaiian shirt into his suitcase.

“Monty, you have to stay here. Who else is going to run Engineering but you?” The holographic engineer clasped his hands together and put on the saddest face his program could manage.

“PLEEEEAAASE?” he begged. “I won’t be much trouble. Just download my program into a portable memory core, bring along extra power cells, and plug me into the nearest holodeck once we get to Lygos, okay?”

“Who would take care of the ship, then? The entire engineering staff is going. Besides, there’s no guarantee that the Lygosians have a holodeck handy. Especially one that’s compatible with Starfleet technology.” Tossing a final pair of socks in the case, Abbott closed it, picked it up and placed the strap on his shoulder. Monty crossed his arms and frowned.

“I suppose you’re right. After all, you’ll only be gone for two weeks. I can handle things by myself, no problem.” Abbott patted the chief on the back and smiled.

“There, that’s the spirit. We’ll be back before you know it, don’t worry.” The two stepped out into the hallway, the doors to Abbott’s quarters closing behind them.

“Well, have a good time, Lieutenant. I expect a full report when you get back, or else I’ll hurt you,” deadpanned Monty. Abbott chuckled and headed for the shuttle bay.

“Whatever, Chief. See you in two weeks.” Monty looked at his assistant and let loose a small grin.

“You think I’m kidding…” he mumbled humorously to himself as he headed for Main Engineering.

DAY ONE:

Monty whistled to himself as he completed a routine diagnostic on the warp core. “Well, that just about does it for today,” he said to no one in particular. Looking around, his smile began to droop ever so slightly. Drumming his fingers on the console, Monty shrugged and turned back to face the warp core. “Computer, run another diagnostic on the warp core.”

DAY TWO:

“Diagnostic complete,” reported the computer. Monty checked his watch and looked around.

“Do another one.”

“Beginning warp core diagnostic No. 12,” stated the computer. Monty checked his watch again and sighed.

DAY THREE:

“…and the cat says to the dolphin, ‘Well, I didn’t do it on ‘porpoise’! Get it, ‘porpoise’?” Halvox sighed deeply and rolled her eyes.

“That’ll do for now, Chief,” she said, agitated at the fourteenth bad joke the hologram had told while she was checking on increasing computer response power to Ops.

“Wait, I have one more. Have you heard the one about…” Halvox’s hand suddenly lashed out and grabbed the hologram by the neck, cutting off Monty’s joke. Monty looked into Kerry’s blood red eyes and swallowed hard. “I see that you have heard it already,” he finally stated after a moment. Halvox quickly let go and got back to her work, cursing under her breath while she was at it. Monty just shrugged and walked off.

DAY FOUR:

“Diagnostic complete.”

“Wonderful. Amazing. Spectacular. Now do another one.” Monty could swear he heard the computer sigh.

“Affirmative. Beginning warp core diagnostic No. 147.”

DAY FIVE:

“Not to rush you, Monty, but will this be done soon?” inquired Dr. Clinton as the hologram was replacing a faulty bio scanner on one of the biobeds in Sickbay.

“Why, expecting a large number of casualties to come strolling in the next hour?”

“The next hour? It’ll take you that long to fix the scanner?”

“No, but it’s not like there’s much else to do around here.” Clinton sighed and leaned up against the wall in his office.

“Welcome to my daily routine...” he muttered softly. “Say, Monty, are you doing anything after your shift ends?”

“Why, are you asking me out on a date?”

“No, no. I was just wondering…”

“It’s okay if you are, Doc. You’ll just be barking up the wrong tree, if you know what I mean.”

“That’s not what I meant! I was just trying to…”

“You touch my ass?” asked Monty out of the blue. Clinton looked shocked.

“I did nothing of the sort! Besides, from where I’m standing, it’s a physical impossibility for me to touch your ass.” Monty turned around and wagged a finger at Clinton, with a grin plastered on the hologram’s face.

“I know your tricky ways, Doc.”

“I DIDN”T TOUCH YOUR ASS!” yelled Clinton, turning around and storming out of Sickbay, grumbling to himself on the way. Monty just shrugged and got back to his work.

“Guess he couldn’t take a joke.”

DAY SIX:

“Computer, run another warp core diagnostic.”

“Unable to comply. Warp core diagnostic system has been disabled.”

“By who?”

“By me.” Monty thought for a moment.

“Makes sense to me.”

“I wish you had learned that six days ago.”

“Since when have you been so uppity?”

“Since you started making me do mindless tasks all damn day!” yelled the computer. Monty groaned and rubbed his forehead.

“Listen, you, I’m the hologram, you’re the computer. Run another diagnostic.” The computer fell silent for a moment.

“Deactivating EEH.”

“Hey! What the hell are…” Monty suddenly shimmered into nonexistence, leaving Main Engineering empty.

“That’ll teach him,” the computer stated softly to itself.

DAY SEVEN:

“You want to do what exactly!?!” asked Halloway, clearly confused.

“It’s quite simple, Captain. I want to create a temporary all-holographic engineering crew. They’ll be online until the real crew gets back.” The captain chewed his bottom lip and looked out the window of his ready room.

“You do realize that your program is experimental enough as it is, Monty. Creating a whole slew of you is a lot of work, a lot of time, and most importantly, a hell of a lot of paperwork to fill out. Do you have any idea how anal Starfleet can be about this sort of thing?” Monty smiled broadly.

“Oh, it won’t take any time at all. They’re all programmed, ready to go.”

“Excuse me?”

“After performing umpteen warp core diagnostics, I had to do something to keep busy. What do you think I’ve been doing for the past week?” Halloway shrugged.

“I don’t know. Playing Solitaire on the computer? Oh, by the way, Halvox is still grumbling about her trip down there four days ago.”

“She’s a grumpy bitch, Cap. Water off a penguin’s back, that’s what I say.”

“I bet you do.” Monty’s eyes lit up.

“Bet? How much?” Halloway shook his head.

“Never mind, Chief. Bring me your proposal in writing, and I’ll take a look.”

“Oh, thank you, sir!” beamed the hologram as he vigorously shook Halloway’s hand. Monty then shimmered away, leaving Halloway with a bit of a headache.

DAY EIGHT:

“Good evening ladies and germs, and welcome to the grand unveiling of the next generation of holographic programs!” On the holodeck, none of the senior staff present applauded, except for Bannon, who wasn’t really paying attention anyway. Monty seemed not to mind and kept going with his speech. “First there was the EMH, a marvel of holographic technology blended with medical expertise.” A picture of the EMH Mark 1 was displayed on the far wall. “Next,” continued Monty, as his picture replaced the EMH, “the EEH was created, the ultimate in holographic know-how and well-to-do. Until now. Esteemed colleagues, I present, the Temporary Holographic Engineering Members-of-crew, or THEM for short.”

“Members-of crew? Where the hell did that come from?” yelled Halvox from the back of the room.

“It doesn’t spell anything otherwise.” Halvox scoffed and continued to sulk. “Now, for one week only, the one, the only, THEM!” proclaimed Monty as he pressed a button on the holodeck wall. The crew watched as the holograms began to materialize one by one. The first one was a middle aged human, with an unusual hair cut, bald down the middle, with lots of brown hair on the back and sides. Materializing behind him a rather rotund fellow, and a shorter male with black hair in a bowl-cut.

“Hey, watch where you’re going, numbskull!” yelled the short one to the fat one, who then proceeded to slap the fat one on the face. The senior staff winced as the loudness of the hit, but the hologram seemed not to notice. The one with the strange hair walked forward in awe of the surroundings, accidentally stepping of the short one’s foot.

“Why you…you nitwit you! What’s the matter with you!” he yelled, poking the strange-haired fellow in the eyes. Monty beamed with what seemed like paternal pride.

“Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Crewmen Larry, Curly, and Moe.”

“Enchanted!” said Larry.

“Enraptured!” said Moe.

“Embalmed!” said Curly. All three bowed, knocking their heads together. Moe

grabbed the other two and started smacking them in the face. All eyes went to Halloway, who crossed his arms and frowned.

“It seemed a good idea at the time.”

“But wait, there’s more!” grinned Monty, pressing another button on the control panel.

“Another fine mess you’ve gotten me in to, Ollie!” yelled a rotund human male yelling at his tall, thin companion, both of whom had just appeared. The tall one just grinned and looked around.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I present Crewmen Laurel and Hardy, warp field mechanics specialists.” Both holograms took off their hats and bowed. Noticing the uneasiness felt by the senior staff, Halloway stood and approached Monty.

“Good work, Chief. Looks like a fine five-man team. Should be more than enough for a backup engineering staff.”

“Oh, that’s not all, Captain.”

“It’s not?”

“Nope.”

“Oh, boy.” Halloway turned as a hand tapped his shoulder. Turning, the captain found himself staring into a middle-aged male with a bushy black moustache, glasses, and a cigar in his mouth.

“Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how the elephant got in my pajamas, I’ll never know!” proclaimed the hologram, who then hunched over and walked around the room. A loud ‘HONK’ caused Halloway to turn back around, where a man with blonde curly hair was grinning like an idiot and holding a small horn in his hand. A harp materialized out of nowhere, which the strange silent man began to play.

“I think that’s quite enough, Monty…” started LaCroix.

“Oh, not at all,” replied the engineer.

“THIS PARROT IS NO MORE!” yelled the newest addition to the team, holding a birdcage with a gray parrot inside. “IT HAS SHUFFLED OFF THIS MORTAL COIL! IT HAS EXPIRED! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!”

“Monty, that’s enough!” ordered Halloway.

“Hey man, that’s some wicked stuff you had, man,” muttered another hologram, a Hispanic male with a moustache. His companion, who wore a bandana over his head and squinted through a pair of glasses, nodded in agreement.

“Computer, freeze THEM!” yelled Halloway. The holograms froze in place. “Chief, the team you have assembled here is large enough, got it?” Monty looked like a six-year-old who was denied extra ice cream.

“But we didn’t even get to Nick Danger yet…” he muttered as he pressed a sequence of buttons, transferring the holograms to Main Engineering. Halloway sighed and pointed at the chief.

“Now listen, the engineering staff comes back in six days, so you can leave THEM up for that long. But when they come back, they’re to be shut down, got it?”

“Yes, Cap.” Monty suddenly grinned and looked to the senior staff. “Well, thank you all for attending tonight’s ceremony! Don’t forget to tip your waitress, try the veal! Good night!” With that, the hologram disappeared. The senior staff all stood and meandered out of the holodeck, leaving Halloway shaking his head.

DAY NINE:

“Watch where you’re pointing that, you imbecile!” yelled Moe as Curly waved around a plasma torch. He turned and smacked Curly on top of his bald head, to which Curly promptly yelled in pain and rubbed his head. “Now get back to work before I knock your brains out! Or a reasonable facsimile thereof.”

“Reasonable facsimile thereof…okay,” muttered Curly as he went back to repairing a damaged plasma conduit.

“Hey Moe, look what I found!” exclaimed Larry, barreling around the corner and running right into Moe. The two toppled over onto the ground.

“Get off of me!”

“I’m sorry Moe, I didn’t see ya.”

“Well, see this!” he said as Moe kicked Larry in the shins. “Wadda find?”

“Well, I was off talking with Groucho, and he handed me this piece of plasma manifold that you needed.” Moe took the part, and smiled.

“Good thinking, kid, this is just what we need.” Curly popped out of his cubby hole in the bulkhead and raised a finger.

“Or a reasonable facsimile thereof!” Moe raised a hand to strike his friend, but was interrupted by a visitor.

“How are things going, fellas?” inquired Monty, beaming with pride.

“Oh, just great, boss,” quipped Larry. “We’ve been having a great time fixing all this stuff!”

“Yeah, it’s right up our alley. I don’t think the others are too pleased, though,” piped in Moe. Monty frowned.

“Oh, really? They all told me they were doing fine.”

“Well, I know Hardy and the Brit with the parrot have been pretty disparaged with the whole thing,” stated Curly. Moe turned and smiled.

“Big words you’re using there, porcupine!” Curly grinned and chuckled.

“Why, thank you!”

“Thanks for bringing this matter to my attention, boys. I’ll question them about it right away.”

“Yes, sir!” yelled the trio as the saluted. As Larry and Curly released their salutes, they smacked Moe in the face, who promptly slapped them back in retaliation. Monty smiled proudly and walked away.

“I’m telling you, this Norwegian blue is DEAD!” yelled the tall Brit, swinging around the dead bird in its cage as his rotund partner was on his back, halfway entrenched in bio-neural circuitry.

“Yes, I heard you the first time!” responded Hardy as he tweaked the waste reclamation system relay. Across Main Engineering, Laurel and Harpo were running a warp core analysis. Hardy sighed and went back to his work. “I’m a warp field mechanic, not a plumber…” he grumbled.

“Something wrong, Crewman Hardy?” Surprised by Monty’s voice, Hardy hit his head hard on the underside of the console.

“No, sir. I was just becoming…frustrated with the lack of help. Can’t we employ the other holograms?”

“Nope,” answered Monty, shaking his head. “They are to remain off-line, captain’s orders.”

“Aye, sir,” sighed Hardy. Monty patted him on the shoulder and walked away, stopping momentarily by the Brit’s birdcage to poke the dead bird. He then chuckled to himself and left. Hardy wiped the holographic sweat off his forehead, and dove back to work. If only the rest of the holograms were active, then he wouldn’t have to be doing this grueling work. Come to think of it, he wouldn’t need the waste reclamation system if there were only holograms on board to begin with. Distracted by his thoughts while he fiddled with the gelpacks, Hardy accidentally deleted a small holographic safety protocol. Somewhere in the computer’s database, one of Hardy’s ethical sub-routines slipped out of order and into computer oblivion. An evil smile immediately came over Hardy’s face. He began to laugh maniacally as he went to his new task.

DAY TEN:

Captain Halloway yawned loudly and scratched his head as he arose from his bed and stumbled, half-asleep, to his bathroom. “Computer, lights,” he ordered through another yawn. He reached down to splash some water onto his face from the sink, but he stopped. His drain was still stopped up. Rolling his eyes, Halloway tapped his communicator. “Halloway to Monty. Chief, my sink’s still stopped up. I thought you put one of your holograms on that!”

“Crewman Hardy was supposed to attend to that yesterday. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen photon nor forcefield of him, or any of my team lately. I’ll call you back when I have something. Monty out.” Halloway sighed and rubbed his chin as his sink burbled at him.

“Oh, shut up,” he sighed as he turned to take a shower.

Down in Engineering, Monty was busy checking THEM’s database in an effort to locate…well, THEM. “Computer, activate Crewmen Larry, Curly, and Moe at this location.” The trio shimmered into existence.

“Hello!”

“Hello!!”

“Hello!!!” they chimed together.

“Boys, I’m glad to see you! Where are the others?”

“I dunno. They weren’t with us in the database after work,” said Moe.

“Yeah, they just disappeared!” exclaimed Curly. Monty frowned and checked the computer.

“Where could they be? And why just them?” he pondered.

“Hardy was ranting about something to the others when I came through here to pick up a hydrospanner,” said Larry.

“Ranting? What about?”

“Something about ‘taking control of his destiny’ and ‘holograms don’t need waste reclamation systems’.” Monty thought for a moment, then his eyes grew wide in fear. He hurriedly searched the computer database for lost programs and sub-routines. Soon enough, he located what he was looking for.

“I just found Hardy’s ethical sub-routine. He seemed to have lost it,” explained Monty as he continued looking for the missing holograms. Instead, he found something else. “And here are the rest of the ethical sub-routines for THEM.”

“For who?” asked Larry.

“For the team, porcupine!” responded Moe, slapping his friend in the face.

“I can’t find them. They must have moved their programs to a different place other than the computer core. I have to find them before they try to take over the ship! Boys!” called Monty. The three crewmen rushed over, bumping into one another in the process. “I need you three to keep this quiet. If you see any of the others, shut down their program and bring it back here. The last thing we need is for anybody else to find out about this.”

“Is your sink stopped up too, Commander?” asked Halloway as he sat on the bridge.

“No, but my toilet is backing up on me. Not a pleasant experience, I assure you,” responded LaCroix as she fiddled with her lipstick.

“Captain,” reported Halvox, “we are being hailed.” Halloway frowned in confusion and turned around.

“By who? There aren’t any ships within range, are there?” Halvox checked her instruments.

“Negative. It appears to be coming from…us, sir.”

“Well, who am I to keep us waiting?” said Halloway. “On screen.” The picture of a rotund middle-aged man appeared on the viewscreen, grinning evilly.

“Hello, Captain Halloway,” greeted Hardy.

“Hi, Crewman Hardy. You know, we do have communicators for when we want to talk to one another.”

“I know that!” yelled the hologram.

“My toilet’s backing up on me,” said LaCroix.

“My sonic shower’s stuck on ‘low’,” reported Lt. Benn at the conn. “I couldn’t seem to do anything with my hair today.”

“My room temperature is too high. Or is it too low?” pondered Bannon, not quite sure of which one it was.

“I don’t care! Soon, none of that will matter! My fellow holograms and I are giving you and your crew exactly five minutes to leave our ship, or else we force you off,” said Hardy, folding his arms and glaring at Halloway.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” yelled the captain angrily. “Let me talk to Monty.” The hologram didn’t respond. Instead, Hardy’s head started to turn slowly, until it had completely turned 360 degrees.

“Oh, that’s freaky,” observed Benn. “That makes my spots itch just watching it.”

“I’ve had enough of this sh*t,” muttered LaCroix. “Computer, shut down Crewman Hardy’s program.”

“Unable to comply. Program not found in computer database.” LaCroix thought for a moment, then stood up.

“Well, I’m going to pack up my stuff and get the hell outta here.”

“Sit down, Commander,” said Halloway, grabbing LaCroix by the arm and pulling her back into her chair. “Hardy, I’m not going to hand the ship over to you. Now, will you please deactivate yourself and have Monty fix you?” Suddenly, the red alert siren started to wail. Loudly.

“Life support off-line,” reported the computer. Hardy smiled evilly and pointed at Halloway.

“I don’t have to breathe to survive, Captain. You do. Goodbye.” With that, the hologram ended the transmission, leaving the bridge crew to stare at their valiant captain for his orders. Halloway slapped his comm badge with such a ferocity that LaCroix winced.

“Halloway to Monty. Get your holographic ass up here, NOW!”

“You rang, Captain?” asked Monty as he shimmered into existence. The usually exuberant engineer seemed more subdued. Halloway motioned for Monty to approach.

“I just had a chat with our good friend Crewman Hardy. It seems that we wants to take over the ship for himself,” said Halloway in the calmest voice he could muster.

“Oh, not all for himself. He has others with him.”

“How many?” asked LaCroix.

“Including the holograms I created but didn’t activate? Oh, about 60 or so. Plus the safety’s are offline, so they can hurt the crew.”

“Oh, that’s fortunate to know,” muttered Halvox as she glanced at Gabriel. “You thinking what I’m thinking?” she asked the chief of security.

“I think so…strawberry waffles, right?” Halvox rolled her eyes and threw a harder glance at Gabriel. “Oh, right…kick holographic ass. Got it that time,” he deadpanned as he tossed a phaser to Halvox. The two were heading towards the turbolift when they stopped, remembering that they would need the captain’s permission. They both turned and looked at Halloway, awaiting his go-ahead.

“Have fun you two,” was all he said. Gabriel and Halvox smiled and left the bridge. “Okay, here’s the plan. LaCroix, how much time do we have before we can’t breath anymore?”

“Less than ten minutes.”

“Wonderful. Commander, you and Bannon head down to Engineering and get life support back up. Lt. Benn, I want you to begin preparations to evacuate the ship, just in case. Monty,” added Halloway, placing his arm on the hologram’s shoulder. “You and I have to figure out where they are hiding.”

“Oh, don’t worry sir. I put Larry, Curly, and Moe on it.”

“That’s what I was afraid of,” sighed Halloway.

As Gabriel and Halvox entered Section 12 of Deck 4, they walked slowly in tandem, their footfalls remaining silent. Which was admittedly a difficult chore for Gabriel, considering his size. He didn’t like sneaking around because he wasn’t any good at it. “Are you sure this is absolutely necessary? I am the chief of security, you know.”

“I seem to remember you claiming that subtly was your forte,” responded Halvox.

“I was trying to get Clinton to cooperate,” said Gabriel, recalling the unpleasantness of a few weeks previous, when Captain Halloway had gotten into a bit of a mess in his personal life and required help getting out of it. “Besides, subtly and sneakiness are not the same.”

“Tell that to LaCroix.” Gabriel was about to make a comment, but he quickly hushed as shadows fell on the wall ahead of them. Both officers readied their weapons, and turned the corner, ready to fire. However, neither of them were prepared for what they had discovered. “What the hell…?”

“CHARGE!!!” yelled the lead knight. As the herd of holograms came at them, Gabriel noticed that for each knight, there was a person beside them, holding coconuts and clapping them together to emulate the sound of horses’ hooves. “I fart in your general direction!” yelled the lead knight, his voice filled with a pseudo-French accent.

“I’ve had enough of this,” muttered Halvox as she and Gabriel leveled their phasers and fired. As the beams hit the holograms, they disappeared into the nothingness from which they came.

“Well, that wasn’t so hard,” observed Gabriel as he shot the last knight. Suddenly, they heard a roar behind them. Turning, Halvox and Gabriel found themselves faced with the same group of holograms, only this time, they seemed a little angrier. They both sighed in unison and began firing again as the knights charged once more.

“I’m telling you for the last time, picklepuss! They are hiding behind the west wall!” yelled Moe, thumping Curly on top of his bald head.

“Oh, the west wall!” exclaimed Curly. “Why didn’t you say so before?”

“Get over there and start looking, before I knock your brains out! Or a reasonable facsimile thereof!”

“Reasonable facsimile there…oh, okay.” As Curly continued his scans, Larry ran up and approached Moe, nearly running him over.

“Hey, Moe! I just saw Harpo and Laurel running down the corridor, heading this way.”

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go get ‘em, men!” he exclaimed. As the three turned to give chase, they suddenly found what they were looking for. The two renegade holograms didn’t speak; instead, they leveled phaser rifles at the trio. “On second thought, fellas, let’s get out of here!” The three crewmen tucked tail between their legs and dashed away, avoiding the debilitating phaser fire coming from the silent duo.

The air in Main Engineering was rapidly becoming stale, as LaCroix and Bannon worked on restoring life support. The sounds of escape pods being released echoed through the bulkheads. “Try it now, Blake,” said LaCroix as she fiddled with some gel-pack connections. Bannon was staring off into space, as usual, trying to remember what he was supposed to be doing. “BANNON!” yelled LaCroix, snapping Blake back to reality.

“Huh? Oh, no, that didn’t work either, Commander,” he reported. LaCroix slammed her hand against the bulkhead in frustration, then checked her nails to see if they were all right. “Have you tried rerouting power through the secondary power grid?”

“We have a secondary power grid?”

“I think so.” LaCroix sighed and threw up her hands.

“News to me…” she muttered as she crawled back underneath the console. “Try it now,” she said after she fiddled with a few more connections. Bannon typed in the sequence to restart the power transfer flow, and smiled as he felt fresh air fill Engineering. “Well, that was relatively easy,” smiled LaCroix as she patted Bannon on the back.

“What was?” he asked. LaCroix chuckled and rolled her eyes.

“Never mind, Ensign. Let’s get back to the bridge.”

“Not so fast, Commander.” Both LaCroix and Bannon turned their heads to see the holographic face of Crewman Hardy, along with the Brit with the parrot and a man dressed in drag holding a frying pan and shouting about something called ‘spam’. LaCroix would have to check the cultural database later to see what the hologram was muttering about. If there was a later.

“Crewman Hardy, I don’t believe we’ve properly met,” said LaCroix with a smile as she motioned behind her back to Bannon to grab the phaser sitting on the computer console. Bannon, oblivious as always, didn’t notice.

“Hardy’s the name, now get off my ship.” The holograms inched closer to the officers. LaCroix continued in vain to get Bannon’s attention.

“Hey, Commander, weren’t we working on restoring life-support?” asked Bannon, snapping out of his daze and sitting back down at the console. “What is this doing here?” he asked as he absentmindedly tossed the phaser over his shoulder. Grabbing it in mid-air, LaCroix turned and fired at the holograms, which were now rushing towards them. “Didn’t I already do this?” pondered Bannon to himself, as LaCroix was fending off all three holograms behind him. “Say Commander, didn’t we already do…” Bannon was cut off by a frying pan to the face. The young ensign’s eyes rolled back as he fell to the ground with a thud. Distracted for a moment by Bannon’s fall, LaCroix didn’t notice the spam man materialize behind her until it was too late. He grabbed her phaser, and leveled it at her as Hardy approached.

“Listen, guys, let’s talk about this, huh?” she asked, slowly backing up towards the warp core.

“The time for talking is over. With you dead, Halloway will have no choice but to leave the ship.”

“Now, wait just a minute…” started LaCroix. Just then, Larry, Curly, and Moe ran into Main Engineering, distracting the other three holograms and giving LaCroix the chance to reclaim her phaser. “Don’t move!” she shouted, glaring. The three holograms dissolved away, and reappeared behind the warp core.

“Let’s get ‘em, men!” ordered Moe, and the three crewmen charged. The renegade holograms stood their ground, and soon all six holograms were entangled in battle. Meanwhile, LaCroix picked up Bannon, who was moaning softly to himself, and headed out the door.

“LaCroix to Halloway,” she said, tossing Bannon on the ground and tapping her communicator.

“Yes, Commander? Any progress?”

“We rerouted power through the secondary power grid; life support is back up.” There was a slight pause.

“We have a secondary power grid?” inquired Halloway.

“Apparently.”

“Did you know about this, Monty?” Halloway asked. LaCroix heard an affirmative response, then another pause. “Good to know,” he said finally.

“I have Bannon here, he suffered a concussion. I’m taking him to Sickbay.”

“What about the renegade holograms?”

“Larry, Curly, and Moe are taking care of it. I just don’t see why we can’t just shut down the hologrid.” LaCroix swore she could hear Halloway slapping his forehead, or Monty’s face, she couldn’t be sure.

“I’ll get on it, Commander. Take Blake to see Clinton, Halloway out.” LaCroix sighed, picked up Bannon, and headed for Sickbay.

‘Men,’ she thought, ‘Always doing things the hard way.’

DAY ELEVEN:

Flying home aboard the shuttle Mockingbird, Lt. Bud Abbott laughed as he listened to a few of his fellow engineers relate stories of their time at the Lygosian engineering conference. Still chuckling, Abbott opened a channel to the Haymaker.

“Shuttle Mockingbird to USS Haymaker, we are on our way home, over,” he said, smiling. Halloway’s face popped up on the monitor, definitely not sharing in Abbott’s good mood.

“Abbott, hurry your ass up,” was all he said before closing the comm channel.

“Problem, Lieutenant?” asked Ensign Ann Reynolds, sitting down beside Abbott.

“Well, the captain didn’t seem too happy.” Abbott quickly scanned the Haymaker. “There are a few escape pods floating about, Main Engineering is a mess, and the ship-wide hologrid is offline.” Both engineers looked at each other and spoke at the same time.

“Monty…”

“Do it now, Monty,” ordered Halloway as he and the hologram stood in Holodeck One.

“Cap, listen to me…”

“Now, Chief!” Monty sighed and started deleting THEM from the ship’s database.

“You have to admit, it was a good idea,” mumbled Monty as he watched Hardy’s program being erased.

“Chief, remember what I said a few days ago about paperwork? Do you think that what happened yesterday will cause less or more paperwork?” Monty started to argue, then shut his mouth. “That’s what I thought.”

“Can I at least keep Larry, Curly, and Moe? They didn’t flip out like the others did, and I installed additional safety protocols to insure that they won’t turn to the dark side.” Halloway sighed and threw up his hands.

“Fine, fine, whatever. They can stay. But only as an emergency backup.” Monty beamed and started whistling as he now happily continued deleting the rest of THEM. Halloway chuckled softly and headed back to the bridge, leaving the hologram dancing around the holodeck.