“What
the Puck!?!”
By:
Cory Parker
Commander Rachel LaCroix frowned as
she tried to fix the collar on her dress uniform. She continued to try and stretch it out as she walked out of her
quarters and headed for the turbolift.
She took one quick glance at a computer terminal in the wall next to the
turbolift to check her hair before she entered. “Mess hall,” she requested.
As the ‘lift started, she pulled again at the collar. “Damn diplomatic functions…” In the Academy, she had nearly failed her
First Contact class, and she hadn’t liked being on such missions ever
since. It wasn’t meeting the new
species that bothered her, it was the endless pomp and ceremony the diplomats
ALWAYS went through that really got to her.
The lift stopped, and she exited.
As she was heading for the mess hall, Ensign Bannon met her in the hall
and proceeded to walk with her. Unlike
LaCroix, Blake was clad in his standard duty uniform.
“Hey, Commander,” he greeted. “Ready to meet the delegation from
Friedon?”
“You apparently are not.”
“What?” She pointed at his
uniform, then at hers, then back again.
Bannon looked puzzled for a minute, then finally got it after LaCroix
repeated the action a few more times.
“Right, right, right, right.
I’ll be right back.” The ensign
dashed off as LaCroix let out a sigh, then entered the mess hall. It was packed with people, mostly
Starfleet, and all were talking and laughing while a holographic jazz quartet
played in the background. She made an
effort not to roll her eyes.
“Nice to see you here, Commander,”
greeted Captain Halloway.
“Always a pleasure,” she remarked
through gritted teeth. Halloway leaned
in and lowered his voice considerably.
“Listen, Rachel, I don’t like these
things much either. However, the
Friedons are the first race in Sector 66-F to ask us to dinner, so I’m trying
to make a good impression.”
“They’re going back in the morning
still, right?”
“Oh, definitely.” She smiled out of politeness to a crossing
dignitary and grabbed a drink from one of the holographic waiters passing by
with replicated champagne.
“That’s what I love about these little gatherings,
the degree of sincerity they project…” she muttered as she took a generous sip
from her glass.
“That’s right Commander, start the
night off right,” said Lt. Benn as she appeared beside the two and took a
rather large gulp from her own glass.
Halloway rubbed his head and turned away to attend to the
diplomats.
“I am not looking forward to
tomorrow,” said LaCroix suddenly out of the blue.
“Why? The delegation is leaving.”
“No, it’s not that. Tomorrow is the Haymaker’s one month
anniversary being in this godforsaken sector.”
“Oh.” Benn looked off for a moment, then turned back and finished her
drink. “Well, you’d better get a few
more of those then,” she said, pointing to LaCroix glass as she walked
away. LaCroix sighed and made her way
towards the window and found a seat at a table. Only a month in Secor 66-F, and she was ready to leave. Not that she was the only one, mind
you. However, LaCroix was one of the
most vocal about it.
“May I sit down?” The question brought the first officer back
to reality, and staring into the eyes of one of the delegates she had not seen
before. He was tall, with light brown
hair. Like the rest of the Friedons,
his skin was a dark olive color, and he had ridges traveling from his chin to
his ears. He was strikingly familiar
to LaCroix, but she couldn’t place where she had seen him before.
“Yes, of course, Ambassador…?”
“Actually, the name is Alladon, no
title attached.” He flashed a
brilliant grin as he sat down across from LaCroix.
“Are you with the diplomats, or just
a visitor?”
“I’m just passing through. Wonderful ship you have here, Commander
LaCroix.” Rachel blushed.
“You’ve heard of me.”
“Yes, Captain Halloway speaks very
highly of you.”
“Nice of you to say so.” The conversation was off to a good start,
until Alladon opened his mouth again.
“You must look good naked.”
“Yes, as a matter of…what?”
“I bet you’re good in bed,
too.” LaCroix raised a hand and
smacked Alladon across the face. Not
because it wasn’t true (it was), but as a matter of form.
“How dare you!?!”
“Oh, I dare, I dare!” responded
Alladon with a devilish grin. LaCroix
was utterly in shock. Not since shore
leave on Wrigley’s Pleasure Planet had she encountered such blatantly male
behavior. “So, what do you say,
Commander?”
“About WHAT???” Alladon proceeded to make a rather graphic
gesture with his hands, resulting in another slap across his face.
“I’ll take that as a ‘no’, then.”
“Man, you are fast. You just met me, and already you want to
jump my bones!”
“I’m going warp factor 9, I’m so
fast, baby! I can send you into light
speed, too!” LaCroix readied another
slap, then put her hand down.
“Oh, what’s the use…Is that the only
thing you came on this ship for, is to get laid?”
“Mainly, yes, but now since that has
failed, I want another drink.” He
snapped his fingers, and a holowaiter approached. “I’ll have a martini, and I think the commander would prefer sex
on the beach.”
“Actually, I’ll have a another glass
of champagne,” corrected LaCroix with a smug look. The waited nodded and walked away.
“I wasn’t talking about the drink.”
“I figured that out, thanks.” The waiter returned and set both drinks
down on the table, then left. “So, why
the hell are you here?”
“I think I have already answered
that question already, Commander.”
“So, now that I refused you, are you
going back to your planet?” Alladon
smiled and downed half of his martini.
“That’s not my planet.”
“But you just came from there,”
stated LaCroix, clearly confused.
“Yes, but I’m not from there. Well, Commander, it’s been real. Good luck with everything, and wear
something to bed tonight,” said Alladon as he stood.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Never mind. I’ll be seeing you.” With that, he turned and left, leaving
LaCroix very confused.
‘F***ing men…’ she thought as she
sipped her champagne.
“Time to get up…time to get up…time
to get up…time to BZAARRRRK!” The alarm in Halloway’s quarters stopped
after a fist landed squarely on top of the clock. Bobby rubbed his eyes as he got up. It felt like he had gone to sleep only minutes before he had
been rudely awakened by his alarm clock, a present from his former captain when
Halloway had been promoted. It wasn’t
one of his favorite things that he owned, but it took a lot of abuse, and it
never complained. After his quick
sonic shower, Bobby opened his closet to grab a uniform. Except there wasn’t one in there.
“What the hell?” The closet was completely empty, his
uniforms, his off-duty clothes, everything was gone. He then searched his entire room, from top to bottom, but still
no clothes except for the ones he slept in.
Halloway gritted his teeth and walked to the replicator. “Computer, replicate me a captain’s
uniform.”
“Unable to comply.”
“What? Why not?”
“Desired uniform not in
database.”
“You have to be kidding me.”
“Negative.” Halloway raised an eyebrow and put on his
blue shorts and his t-shirt, which read ‘One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three
Tequila, Floor’, and his robe, which he tied tightly closed, and walked out the
door.
As the turbolift doors opened,
Commander LaCroix expected stifled laughter from her crewmates. Instead, she let loose a giggle as the rest
of the bridge crew was still in their sleeping attire. “Something amusing, Commander?”
“I see that you all have the same
problem I do, Captain,” she responded as she sat down.
“Since when do you sleep in a toga,
Commander?” asked Lt. Benn, who wore a long light blue nightshirt which dangled
just above her knees, displaying the words ‘Federation’s Sexiest Pilot’. LaCroix coughed uneasily and shifted in the
makeshift gown she had constructed out of her bedsheets.
“I sleep in the nude, if you must
know, Lieutenant.” Halloway’s eyebrow
raised a bit, but he made no comment.
“Where’s Bannon?”
“On his way,” reported Lt. Comm.
Halvox from her station, clad in a pair of red pajamas complete with little
devils running around on them. Just as
she spoke, Ensign Bannon walked in from the turbolift, wearing a one-piece
fuzzy green pajama with feet and a zipper that ran from his neck to his crotch.
“I should have guessed,” chuckled
Benn from the conn.
“So, anybody want to take a guess
about what’s happening around here?”
asked Halloway as he looked around the bridge.
“Somebody stole all of our clothes,”
postulated Gabriel in his pair of black shorts.
“Thank you, Commander. Anybody wanna take a stab as to why?”
“Nope,” answered Bannon from his
science station.
“The computer still can’t locate any
patterns for clothes, Captain. Monty’s
working on the problem as we speak.”
“Thank you, Halvox. Computer, activate EEH.” Monty shimmered into existence beside
Halloway.
“GOOOOOOOOD MORNING
VIETNAAAAAAMMMM!” he proclaimed with a grin.
“Hi, Chief.”
“Hey, Captain. Nice outfit, Rachel. TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!” he chanted
suddenly. “The clothing files are in
the computer, the pathways to the files have just been taken out.”
“By whom?”
“I dunno, that’s you all’s job. I just fix it. Toodles,” he said as he disappeared. Halloway rubbed his head and sighed. Suddenly, the ship jumped to warp.
“What the hell? Halloway to Monty, what just
happened?”
“I don’t know! The core just powered up and jumped to warp
6.9!” Benn stifled a laugh. The stars streaking by slowed down as the
Haymaker jumped out of warp.
“We are 0.7 light years away from
our previous position,” reported Benn as she checked the conn.
“Are we having malfunctions again?”
asked LaCroix with a frown. Nobody
wanted to go through that mess anew.
“No. According to this, a command was given to the computer to both
start and stop the warp drive,” reported Halvox with a glare at Lt. Benn.
“Hey, don’t look at me. I’m not looking forward to meeting any new
life or new civilizations looking like this!
My spots are showing!” cried Jenna.
“Captain, I may be able to offer an
explanation,” said LaCroix as she remembered her strange encounter the previous
evening. “This guy named Alladon came
up to me last night, and wanted to…you know…”
“No, what?” inquired Halloway.
“Have sex with me.” Halvox snorted from Ops.
“Surprise, surprise.”
“This Alladon also warned me to wear
something to bed, something I forgot to do after 6 glasses of champagne and
three Jell-o shooters.” Bobby nodded
and thought for a moment.
“Gabriel, was this Alladon on the
visitor’s list for last night?”
“No one named Alladon listed,
Captain,” stated Gabriel as he reviewed the list.
“Hey, Gabriel, what was the name of
that one aide who downed a Black Hole and spewed all over Crewman
Simmons?”
“Lohokan, I believe.”
“That’s right. Boy, was he fun. I liked him.”
“Good for you, Captain.”
“Thank you, Gabriel.”
“You’re welcome.” LaCroix sighed, ajusted her toga, and
spoke.
“So, what are we going to do? Obviously, this Alladon wasn’t part of the
delegation, so they wouldn’t know who he is.
He must still be on the ship.”
“But why would he steal all of our
clothes, then send the ship into warp for less than 20 seconds, Commander?”
inquired Halloway.
“Because he wanted to see me
naked.”
“Uh huh,” muttered Halvox as she
checked the internal sensors. “The
computer says that there are no Friedon lifesigns on board, normal crew
complement present.”
“Well, Rachel, it seems that your
boyfriend doesn’t want to be found,” said Halloway as he turned to his first
officer with a grin.
“He’s not my boyfriend!”
“Uh huh. Gabriel, have all security teams conduct a deck-by-deck search.”
“Aye, sir.” The security officer left his station and
entered the turbolift while Lt. Jane Smith stepped in for him at tactical. Halloway smiled at the blonde lieutenant,
who was dressed in only a black bra and a makeshift skirt made from a
towel. LaCroix rolled her eyes as she
tapped him on the shoulder.
“Isn’t there anything else we can do
while the search is going on?”
Halloway suddenly smiled.
“Yes, I believe so.”
“Nice outfit.”
“Thanks, Captain Halloway.” Halloway, along with Dr. Clinton, were
standing outside of the brig, looking at a very perturbed (and very naked)
Mennol. “So, what brings you down
here?” the Betazoid asked as he stood up.
Both Halloway and Clinton turned their heads to the side and coughed
uneasily. Mennol simply rolled his
eyes and read both the men’s minds.
“Oh, I see. You have an
intruder running around, and you believe him to be a more advanced life-form
than he appears, hmm?”
“That’s about the gist of it, yes.”
“And what do I get if I help you?”
“I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll think of something.” Mennol scanned Halloway’s mind again to try
and see what exactly he would do for him.
“And will you please stop doing that?
It’s disconcerting!”
“Sorry,” replied Mennol, not
sounding terribly apologetic. “Force
of habit. Alright, I will help you,
and I know that sooner or later, you’ll think of a proper reward, so here
goes.” Mennol then sat down and closed
his eyes as he reached out with his mind.
He chuckled a few times before he apparently found what he was looking
for. “So that’s how you make a batch
of Rigellian waffles with uttaberries and not have them come out all soggy and
flat.”
“Mennol…” said Halloway
impatiently.
“Sorry.” He scanned some more before finally opening his eyes. “There’s a definite presence on board, but
he’s shifty. I couldn’t get a good
look inside his skull or whatever he may have. Definitely more powerful than the average humanoid, that’s for
sure.”
“Okay, thanks Mennol. I’ll be in touch.” With that, both Halloway and Clinton exited
the brig, leaving the naked Mennol to his own (and others) thoughts.
“So, what now, Captain?” asked
Clinton as the two walked down the hallway.
Scott was the most modestly dressed out of all the senior staff, with a
pair of blue flanel pajamas and an old fashioned nightcap adorning his noggin.
“May I ask you a question, Doctor?”
“By all means.”
“Why did you come with me to see
Mennol?”
“I was
bored.”
“Oh.”
“Sickbay can get terribly boring, Captain.”
“I can see that.”
A few moments of silence passed as Clinton followed Halloway. “No offense, Doctor, but isn’t there
something you would rather be doing?”
“Like what?”
“Well, um…go assist Lt. Benn with…something.” Clinton’s eyes lit up.
“Is she on the bridge?” he asked hurriedly.
“I believe so.”
Clinton began grinning like an idiot, and turned to head for the
turbolift. Except he turned too early
and smacked into the bulkhead.
“I’ll be okay…” he muttered as he made the turn this
time and dashed for the turbolift.
Halloway sighed and continued on his way.
‘Not a very nice thing to do, sending the good
doctor after poor Lt. Benn…’
‘Mennol!!!’
‘Sorry…’
LaCroix wasn’t amused by the lack of clothing she
was wearing. She wasn’t amused about
the fact that some alien came on to her so bluntly. And, as Commander LaCroix exited the turbolift and set foot on
deck 12, she was definitely NOT amused by the fact that she was up to her waist
in whip cream. Indeed, the entire deck
was filled with the stuff. She sighed
and grabbed a note that was taped up directly across from the lift. “’For you, my sweet…’ Oh, how wonderful…” She waded through the cream until she found
Lt. Comm. Gabriel, covered from head to toe in the white stuff.
“Is there something I can do for you,
Commander?” He didn’t sound too
pleasant.
“Actually, I’ve been thinking.”
“That’s a good thing to do.”
“This Alladon guy wants me, right? So, to bring him out into the open, let’s
offer him something that he wants…me.”
“As head of security of this ship, I must formally
object to any officer using themselves for bait in such a manner. But since it’s you, I have no problem with
it.”
“Oh, gee.
Thanks, Gabriel.”
“You’re welcome.”
The two waded back to the turbolift and headed for the bridge.
“Looks like you two had some fun,” remarked Halloway
as both LaCroix and Gabriel stepped onto the bridge.
“You don’t know the half of…WOAH!” LaCroix yelled as she slipped and fell to
the floor, landing on her rear. ”What
the hell are these things?” she asked as she peeled a red flower petal off of
her cream-covered arm.
“Bannon tells me there are rose petals; the bridge
was suddenly filled with them a few minutes ago.”
“Has our friend shown his face?” inquired Gabriel as
he checked his station.
“No, not yet.”
“Captain, if I may, I would like to try and lure
Alladon here so that we may reason with it.”
“Or you can just hump him, whichever comes first,”
murmured Halvox from Ops.
“Permission granted, Commander. Shake your booty.” Rachel sighed and braced herself for the
unknown.
“Hey, Alladon, I’m here. I want you! Please come to me!” she yelled as she walked around the
bridge. Halvox shook her head and
rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, that’ll do it.”
“Alladon, honeybuns, where are
you?” A sudden flash of light startled
the bridge crew.
“Right here, sweetie pie!” Rachel turned to face the newcomer. His golden hair was cut short, his pointed
ears sticking up between strands. He
wore a multi-colored tunic, and floated a few inches off the deck.
“Who the hell are you? You’re not Alladon?” The being, still floating, flew over to the
commander and hovered inches from her.
“Well, yes and no. This is my real form, and the name’s is
Puck, not Alladon.”
“Puck? Shakespeare’s Puck?” questioned Halloway. Quizzical glances followed from his
crew. “Oh, give me a break. I do read books on occasion,” he responded,
frowning. Puck smiled and gave a nod
to the captain.
“Correct, Captain Halloway. The very same.” Halvox snorted from her post.
“Impossible.” Puck turned and waved his hand at her,
turning her into a pig with a flash of light.
“You really should control that
temper, young lady.”
“Puck, turn her back!” ordered
Halloway as he stormed up to the being.
“Bobby, don’t pull that ‘Picard
talking down to Q’ routine on me. I
like you, so don’t piss me off!” He
then smiled and turned to LaCroix.
“Ready to go, my sweet?”
“Go where?” she asked
nervously. Puck simply grinned and
flipped in midair.
“Anywhere you wish, darling!” He waved his hand and the Haymaker lurched
to the side.
“Status!” yelled Halloway as he
picked himself up off the ground.
Halvox was grunting and snorting from her station, but luckily, Gabriel
was on the ball.
“We appear to be on a planet.”
“On screen.” The screen was completely green. “Reverse magnification.”
“Is that grass?” asked Lt. Benn as
she studied the conn. Puck only smiled
as the Haymaker shook again as it was being lifted away from the grass. A giant face filled the monitor as the ship
pitched at every possible angle.
“Hey, Mom, look what I found?” said
the giant child on the screen.
“That’s nice honey,” responded a
voice from offscreen.
“Let’s see you fly, little
ship!” The bridge crew looked in utter
horror as the child aimed the Haymaker up towards the sky.
“Benn, full impulse, NOW!” yelled
Halloway as he tightened his robe in nervousness.
“Trying, Captain…!” The boy launched the Haymaker towards the
sky, and as it reached its apex, it slowed, then sped up as it headed for the
ground. Puck just chuckled and watched. LaCroix grabbed him by the collar and shook
him.
“Look, buddy, get us out of this
NOW!” she screamed into Puck’s face.
“Anything for you,” he responded as
he waved his hand.
“I’m going to rip your f**king head
off!!!” yelled Halvox as she was returned to normal. Puck stared at her, then at his hand.
“Not that, idiot, THAT!” he yelled
at his independent appendage. His hand
snapped its fingers, and waved once more.
Instantly, the Haymaker disappeared and was back in space again. “Thank you,” he said to his hand. It raised its middle finger, then fell to
Puck’s side. “Sorry, he’s
temperamental at times,” he apologized with a smile. Halloway glared at him, then turned to Halvox.
“Nice to see you again, Lieutenant.”
“Shut up,” she mumbled as she
checked Ops. “We are back at our same position.”
“Now that everything has been taken
care of, my dear…” said Puck as he grabbed Rachel’s arm and raised his hand to
teleport them away.
“Oh, no you don’t!” He turned and looked at her, puzzled.
“But you said that you wanted me!”
“I was lying.” Puck’s jaw dropped in shock.
“LYING!?!”
“Yep. It’s what women do best.”
“We wanted to get you out in the
open to talk with you,” explained Halloway.
“About what? I don’t want to talk, I only want to fu…”
“That’s enough, Puck,” interrupted
Rachel as she placed her hand over his mouth.
He raised an eyebrow and turned to Halloway.
“What did you want to discuss,
Bobby?”
“I prefer Captain, thank you.”
“And I prefer bacon, isn’t that
right, my little piggy?” he asked towards Halvox with a grin. This time, the lieutenant was able to keep
her rage somewhat under control, as she only snorted and looked away.
“Why are you here, Puck?”
“I want Commander LaCroix.”
“That’s it?”
“Yeah. Were you expecting something else?”
“Oh, well, uh…I just thought that
you might put us on trial for humanity, or send us to a distant galaxy, of
something like that.”
“You mean like Q? Oh, no no no no no,” he exclaimed
rapidly. “I just want Rachel, that’s
it.”
“What the hell do you do the rest of
the time?” inquired Ensign Bannon, who had just realized that there was
something somewhat important happening on the bridge.
“When I’m not picking up
chicks?” He thought for a moment. “Play checkers, mostly.”
“Play checkers?” asked Ensign Bannon
eagerly, who had previously been organizing his collection of holoprograms
while the ship had been in a nosedive.
“And I like to knock planets out of
their orbits. When you get to be my
age, immortality and ultimate power are not all that they are cracked up to
be,” he sighed as he sat down in LaCroix’s seat. “I mean, Trelane has his family to go to, Apollo had the rest of
the Olympians. Hell, the Q have an
entire continuum to mess around in!
What do I have? Aside from a bit
part in a thousand-year-old play, nothing!
It gets to me sometimes.”
Rachel put on her kindest face and sat down beside Puck, and lightly ran
her fingers through his hair.
“Puck, listen to me, okay?” He looked at herwith sad eyes and nodded slowly. “You are a good person at heart, we all can
tell that. You are going to make a
lucky lady very happy someday. She’s
out there for you, I know it. But I’m
not her.” He slowly smiled and nodded.
“Yes, yes. You are correct, Rachel.
To think, I was too enamoured with her body to even contemplate that she
had an equally beautiful soul!” he declared.
“Don’t bet on it,” muttered Halvox
under her breath. Puck stood and took
a long look around the bridge.
“It was a pleasure meeting you all. Captain, hopefully we shall see each other
again!”
“None too soon, I hope,” he replied
as he shook Puck’s hand. He laughed
and waved his hand. The Haymaker was
engulfed with light, and suddenly, everybody was wearing his or her proper
uniform, and Puck had vanished. “These
little adventures of ours always seem to wrap up nicely,” he mentioned to no
one in particular. Monty suddenly
shimmered onto the bridge beside Halloway.
“Captain, I found the uniform
patterns…but I see that we have taken care of that already,” he finished as he
glanced around the bridge. Halloway
smiled and smoothed out the wrinkles in the uniform as he sat down in his
chair.
“Another day, another dollar, eh
Commander?” he grinned.
“Oh, shut up.”
“Helm, lay in a course, mark 213
mark…”
“Crewman Simmons to the
bridge.” Monty’s face lit up like a
gaslight as he recognized the voice.
“Hey, isn’t that the guy who was
barfed on by that aide last night?”
“Bridge here, Crewman. What seems to be the problem?”
“Well, sir, I’m here on deck 12, and
there is a lot of whipped cream to clean up, not to mention the live chickens
left on deck 7.”
“OOPS…” muttered the disembodied
voice of Puck. Halloway could hear
what sounded like a ‘whoosh’ of air over the comm system, and then Simmons came
back on.
“Never mind, Captain. Problem solved. Simmons out.” Lt. Benn
was grinning from one side of her spotted head to the other.
“Jenna, get us outta here!” ordered
LaCroix while Halloway has busy chuckling.
“Yes, ma’am,” she responded with a
grin as the USS Haymaker continued her voyage.